Doug Trainor wrote this piece and sent it to Kelly’s close family members suffering from her loss. As you read it, feel free to listen to the music. Kelly always found a way to dance. She didn’t always need music. This song was hand picked by Doug Trainor. The person that knew her best in this world. It captures her nature to dance and spread joy with her family and loved ones. The song is called Harvest Moon by Neil Young.
“A Promise”
– Doug Trainor
Kelly set a high standard for how to live life. I made a promise to Kelly that I would preserve her legacy by shining a bright light on who she was, her character, her ethics and her core values. Of course the benefit of this extra light is inversely proportional to how much time you’ve spent with Kelly. You may not need any extra light at all to really see Kelly. That’s a good thing. If that is the case, maybe just read my stories and memories and reflect on who she was and what she means to you.
I figure if I am going to write something I probably need a title. The first title that comes to my mind is ‘There Ain’t No Sunshine’. But, that would be about me and about others that feel grief. This should be about Kelly. Though there have been tears and there will undoubtedly be more tears, and darkness will overwhelm at times there really will be sunshine. The title I have chosen is ‘A Promise’. I will write about who Kelly was and about promises and commitments that I make to honor her.
So who was Kelly?
I knew Kelly. I loved Kelly. I will always love Kelly. We were together for more than 56 years. Is that a long time? That wasn’t nearly enough time for her or for me. Kelly was very intelligent, but most days she was hard pressed to remember how long we were together or even how old she was. Numbers were never her thing. Over the years we grew and matured in our own individual ways, and more importantly as we shared experiences we grew together, and in ways that matter most we became one. We were ‘Doug & Kelly’. Debbie wrote a beautiful tribute to Kelly and to the relationship she and I shared. Those that know us best understand that Kelly and I shared something quite beautiful, and perhaps rare.
Kelly had a full time job that few knew about. Not sure how she got assigned the task and why she decided to take it on. Kelly felt a responsibility for keeping order and helping those in need whether it be people, animals or the planet. She was on the job 24×7. If you were stopped along the road with car trouble, Kelly’s had you. If you were lost, Kelly would get you going in the right direction. For this task she definitely needed an assistant, because much of the time Kelly was probably at least as lost as those she was helping. Once she got past the “can we help?”, she would turn to me to take over. Kelly once did a bit of citizen crime fighting in Santa Fe. She spotted a person carrying an expensive leaf blower and thought he looked shady. I saw the guy too, but nothing sinister registered. We reported Kelly’s suspicion to a nearby landscaping crew. These dudes were really upset, jumped in their pickup and sped after the guy. Thanks to Kelly they caught up with the perpetrator and recovered their $800 blower. They were beyond grateful. I’ve never called animal control. I likely, never will. I wonder how many people have done so. Kelly did many times. With the assistance of the animal folks, she rescued a goose with a bad wing, a family of raccoons, and the same dog “several times”. The dog rescue was a classic.
She saw a golden retriever, as I remember, wandering on a street kinda near our home. She either took it to the pound or called them. Several days later she saw the same dog loose, this time in a yard on the same street as before. She had the dog taken into custody once again. She may have repeated this process one more time, I’m not sure. Kelly was later to find out that she had “rescued” the dog out of the owner’s yard and that the owner happened to be a friend, a frustrated friend at the time. The dog story reminds me that if we ever saw a large dog running loose, I got pretty nervous thinking I would be called upon to catch the dog and see if it had a collar. I have what I feel is a reasonable fear of strange large dogs, but for Kelly I would have been a reluctant dog catcher. As for helping the planet, many times on our way home from a walk we found ourselves carrying trash we picked up along the way. If an object in the road appeared to be a hazard we removed it. If paper or other trash littered the ground we took care of it. She was a dedicated recycler. It was definitely in Kelly’s DNA to do her part to “help out” in any way she could. She was all about “see something, do something”.
Kelly could surprise me. Her motivation for some seemingly impulsive acts was alway good. She surprised me with our 1st ever snow thrower. She wanted to spare my back all that shoveling. A couple years ago, she worked a deal with a neighbor to acquire his riding mower. Kelly wanted to provide relief for my damaged ankle. I came home from work one day to find she had bought a used car. She explained she had the time and I didn’t and besides “it was such a good deal”. It turned out to be a good purchase. The biggest surprise of all was the day I came home from work to find a motorcycle parked in our driveway. I was told it was mine! Kelly convinced a neighbor (same neighbor as the riding mower deal) to find and purchase a suitable bike for me to learn to ride. I had not previously expressed any interest in being a biker, but she thought we should ride. Kelly was right once again. We loved to ride. We were pretty passionate about it. I believe the count was 9 bikes that we owned and rode during our motorcycle period. Our bikes ranged from that learner ‘driveway Suzuki’ to 4 Harleys. I remember teaching Kelly to ride. For the first lesson, I ran behind her in our cul de sac holding on to the back of the bike just like one might when teaching a kid to ride a bicycle. She was nervous, but mostly excited like a kid. I remember that big smile.
Kelly and I walked a lot, sometimes on trails, sometimes on city streets. With few exceptions she would smile and greet those we shared our path with. Sometimes, it seemed pretty clear that the object of Kelly’s friendly greeting would have been content to avoid eye contact and just move along. Kelly explained to me repeatedly that maybe the other person lacked confidence in the encounter for reasons we didn’t understand and that her being friendly and making them say hi might be a helpful action on her part. She may have been right. Probably was in at least some cases.
Over the years, primarily while doing volunteer work, Kelly had reason to be associated with individuals who for various reasons lacked some of the advantages most of us have. We know that for some the playing field is not, nor never was level. Some people don’t seem to have much of a chance right from the go, others make poor choices with bad consequences. Kelly never judged. She showed the same respect to everyone, treating everyone as equals and making lasting friendships. It was cool to observe. It made me very proud of her.
People loved Kelly. I don’t think I use that term too loosely. Her authentic, kind and non judgemental nature won people over. Kelly had a smile and kind words for everyone she encountered. She treated all she met with respect and acceptance, often going out of her way to engage in friendly conversation. I watched her bring smiles to the faces of complete strangers. If she didn’t make someone’s days just a little bit better, it pretty much meant that she had no social contact that day. Kelly earned the respect and affection of many healthcare professionals and made many friends as she battled cancer with uncommon courage, strength and grace. I witnessed oncology healthcare professionals in tears upon hearing that her treatment wasn’t having the hoped for result. They saw who Kelly was and they loved her. It was a kind of phenomenon. You had to be there to appreciate the depth of the affection shown toward Kelly. Corey was able to see and feel that during Kelly’s 1st hospital stay in that final month. I am so thankful Corey could be there. He really gave his mom a boost. She needed him then and he was there.
Among the last words I heard Kelly speak was her telling an Emergency Department nurse who was inserting an IV “you have beautiful eyes”. Kelly was having a very bad day, but that didn’t impact her smile and her kind nature. That nurse’s day got just a bit better for having met Kelly.
So, what about those promises? Kelly was the best person I’ve known, the most genuine, the kindest, the most fun and the strongest. She put others before herself. She was a beautiful woman. Kelly’s love of life and her beautiful smile being ended due to a horrific and cruel disease is tragic beyond words. Such an immense waste! If those who love Kelly are unable to look for and find something positive to be gained from her passing, well that would only be to compound that waste. For me to fail to make personal changes for the better and to be a better, stronger person would be disrespectful to the love of my life.
Kelly told me to find purpose when she left this earth. She instructed me to lean on loved ones for support and in turn to love and support them the best I could. She said that I could and should do good, especially for family. A promise that I made to Kelly is that I would be a better man and would do my part to be closer to those that she and I call family. Perhaps I may do some good. I have no doubt that I will benefit from my efforts. I know I will find myself having more blue sky days. I already have felt some of that sunshine.
I hope that the things I have written about Kelly honor my commitment to preserve her legacy. Kelly cared about people and had an ability to touch everyone she met. Kelly was a good person. Kelly was strong and courageous. I can’t promise to be like Kelly. Kelly was one of a kind. What I can promise is to try to be a better person and a stronger person. I will think of Kelly as I make choices and I will try to behave in a way that Kelly would approve of and that would cause her to smile. I want to make her proud.
Kelly’s legacy is to have set an example for others to follow, an example of how to love life and to be good to others.
I am a lucky man to have loved and been loved by Kelly. I am honored to have been the ‘Doug’ in Doug & Kelly’.
But there's a full moon risin'
Let's go dancin' in the light
We know where the music's playin'
Let's go out and feel the night
Because I'm still in love with you
I want to see you dance again
Because I'm still in love with you
On this harvest moon
Remembering Kelly 